There are quite a few reasons for me starting this blog. I am writing this to give you an introduction into me, who I am and what brought me to a point where I was so low that I did nothing but study Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology, Zoology and Physics just so I could figure out my failures in life. More specifically my love life.
Before I can give you any idea of why I now am the way I currently am, I would have to give you a brief insight into my past. After all, it is our perception of our past that determine how we define our now. Deep right? I should probably take this opportunity to explain that this blog is all about the deeper sides of life, if this kind of deep self discovery is not for you then I do not blame you, it can be easy to get lost in it. But if you are then sit tight, this could either be interesting or irritating for you to read. It all depends on your perception.
So what in my life happened that was so impacting that it made me want to write a blog and share it with the fine people of the interweb? Well, just like every other sad sap, it was a woman. Now, now, wait a second you do not have to worry about the sad rantings of a broken man. That blog was written almost two years ago now, I am not even kidding you. No, this blog is the light at the end of the tunnel. This is the journal of what I learnt. Of course this whole blog is not me sulking over how terrible a person I was, which I was not, I did my best. I just had to accept that I had not done enough to keep her. Acceptance is something I will talk about allot.
When we first broke up I honestly was a broken man. There was no party with the lads to welcome me back into the single life, there was just the thought that I had to do everything I could to save the relationship. It started with her moving out of the house. That was the day I realised I had to do everything I could to save the relationship. Knowing that you need to do everything you can is very different from actually knowing what to do. But I am sure I thought I was a bit of a know it all and my realisation was that she was in the wrong. I mean, she broke up with me, she made the choice to end it right? Well, maybe 50%/50% right. For me it is important to see a different perspective. Not just for how you see the situation, but from the perspective of everyone involve in the situation. That is the main point of this blog, The Perceptions Of Reality. So lets take this concept and apply it to my ex-fiancée ending our relationship.
Let us first ask the question of why. Why did she leave? allot of people deflect the idea that it is their fault, I know I did. I was not ready to be told that the relationship I lived for was not meant to be. She left because I did not make her happy. That would be the simplest answer, but of course it is just one possibility of many, but I am picking the one that makes most sense in the scenario. Of course she could have left me because she was with another guy. However due to the circumstances of the situation i believe that was very unlikely. This brings us to the next question, “why was she not happy with me?” Well, this leads back over a period of a year before she decided to move out. Arguments, endless arguments, most of the time about things that were going on around us not about what was happening between me and her. After she moved we still worked on the relationship for about 3 months before she finally ended it. What I am about to tell you is my biggest fuck up in life. She went on holiday with a friend. We had be arguing before she left and the only thing in my mind was that I was going to lose her to some exotic guy. So I made a pact with her not to get with anyone even with our situation being a questionable as it was. She stayed true to the pack….. I did not, and she found out. The most horrible thing about this situation was that I (at the time) just justified my actions as “Well i am sure you slept with someone too”. Now remember, I said above that i was always trying my best. For you to understand what I mean you need to take your first look into Perceptionism.
It was two months after she had come home one day and told me she was moving out. I think it is safe to say I did not deal with that news too well. I was never physically abusive. But I am sure that the things I said to her during these heated arguments were emotionally abusive. I was of course never my intention to be abusive in any way it goes completely against who I am as a person. But there is one thing that I know now that I did not know then. I hope what I am about to say will blow your mind as much as it did mine when my best mate Adam said this sentence during one of our many conversations on this subject. “Word are empty vessels.” Now some of you may be sat there thinking, what the hell does that mean? It means that the words you say have zero meaning when they leave you mouth, they only have their established meaning to you in your head. Once the word leaves you mouth it is just an empty vessel. We all implement our own meaning onto words. We all often have that moment when we say, “No you misunderstood what I meant”. when you then explain it to them they say “mate that is not what you said.” You see, regardless of what a person is saying verbally, the actual communication is the meaning. Perceptionism allows you to step out side the conversation and allows you to take a look at the environment you are in. From there it allows you to have a more opening minded view on other peoples perception of reality. You may be thinking now, well you were still abusive. Yes I was, regardless of whether or not i meant too, i did.
It is important to understand that we always do what we think is best in any given moment. What the action is all depends on the emotions we are feeling in that moment. It also depends on the Environment you are in. When I broke our pact I was not drunk, i was not angry, I was happy. After a year of arguments with the woman I loved more than anything, a year of constant doubt whether she even wanted to be with me, I failed. The woman i broke the pact with wanted me. It was such a nice feeling to have, it was a little twinkle of happiness in a world of chaos. Did i regret it as soon as it was over. of course i did. I had failed the woman i loved. I am sorry for hurting her, but i am not sorry for needing a moment of happiness. Anyone reading this will have their own perception of whether i am a good person or not. To that i say, there are no good people are bad people, there are just actions taken in moments. Some are of weakness, some of strength, some of greed and some of happiness. When it really comes down to it is all about choice. I was emotionally weak and i made the wrong choice. I can either blame that choice on others which is not my style. Or i can own my mistakes, accept my failures and learn from them.
It sucked even to write that story down. So why did i? why did i just tell the world my most despicable moment? Because I want to be free. I want to live without the past lingering over me. I am telling you because I want to live openly. Perceptions of Reality for me, is the ability to live openly and freely while allowing others to do the same. It is the ability to live for the now.
I could spend the rest of my life wishing I had realised this philosophy before it all ended with her. But I did not learn it, I did not save the relationship. While all of this was going on, I had exactly fuck all idea about what I was doing. This relationship ended two years ago. In those two year I have done nothing but learn, I learnt about love, emotions and life. After a long time of learning I finally managed to find a way of living that removes hate, arguing, prejudice and other forms of racism. I realised that love is not an institution, its a completely different way of living your “Now”. Emotions are you compass in life, they will basically tell you if everything around you is good or bad. I am not sure about you but I prefer being happy to being sad.
Perceptions of reality freed me. After two years of pain, I am ready to take another shot at love.